


Matchmaker Matchmaker (The Gay Yenta Remix)

by igrockspock



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/F, Getting Together, M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 19:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1576322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igrockspock/pseuds/igrockspock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unresolved sexual tension is an impediment to workplace efficiency.  Captain Holt is going to do something about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Matchmaker Matchmaker (The Gay Yenta Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cinaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinaed/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Undercover Work](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082716) by [Cinaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinaed/pseuds/Cinaed). 
  * In response to a prompt by [Cinaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinaed/pseuds/Cinaed) in the [remixmadness2014](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/remixmadness2014) collection. 



"There is unresolved sexual tension between two members of my squad," Ray says. "It's a problem." He reaches for the spatula and flips over the free range chicken thighs sizzling in the skillet. It's Wednesday night, when they stay in and cook, and they're technically not supposed to talk about work. Technically, though, Ray hasn't been good at leaving his job at the office since he got promoted to captain.

 

"Maybe it's a problem," Kevin says, not taking his eyes off his cutting board. "But it's not _your_ problem."

 

Ray's about to come up with something about how it impairs workplace efficiency, but Kevin shoots him a hard look.

 

"I know what you're about to say, and you know it's a lie," Kevin says. "You are not some kind of gay yenta. The happiness of every queer person in the NYPD is not your personal responsibility There is absolutely nothing to be gained from interfering in your co-workers' lives this way."

 

"That's very sensible," Ray says.

 

Kevin frowns. "By which you mean, you're going to set them up on a date."

 

"Not exactly," Ray says. "Could you pass the salt?"

***

He calls Diaz and Santiago to his office first thing in the morning. "I'm going to need you both for this case. As you are aware, the NYPD is investigating an influx of heroin on Staten Island. Most of it is being bought in bulk from locations in Brooklyn and Upper Manhattan. A source tells us that Kim Delaney, a known dealer, will be making a sizable transaction at a lesbian club tonight. While I know that undercover work is not your forte, and I regret the necessity of sending you to this particular club, your cooperation is essential to the mission."

 

Diaz studies him carefully, then offers a taciturn nod.

 

Santiago's mouth opens and closes until Diaz nudges her in the side hard enough to make her wince. For a second or two, the room is blissfully silent. Then Santiago opens her mouth again.

 

“Sir, of course we’re happy to do this case!” her voice is high-pitched and wobbly, and Ray grits his teeth. Why an intelligent, capable officer should grovel like an obsequious toady is beyond him.

 

“Why wouldn’t we be happy?" Santiago adds with an awkward laugh. "I, for one, fully support the GBLT movement-- or oh, do you prefer LGBTQA, sir? I’m not really hip to what is the acceptable acronym. But I love the queer community, I really, really--” 

 

She stops when Santiago elbows her again. Holt regards them steadily. They would make a good couple.

 

"I am certain the queer community cares deeply about you as well," he says. He manages not to smile. That might give him away. “Diaz, remain here. I’d like to talk to you for a moment.”

 

When Santiago is gone, Ray gives Diaz a hard look. “I trust you not to squander the opportunity you’ve just been given.”

 

Diaz nods, her face carefully blank, but Ray is sure she takes his meaning.

***

Linetti tiptoes into his office ten minutes after Diaz and Santiago have left. She shuts the door behind her theatrically and stage whispers, "You just set up Diaz and Santiago."

 

Ray winces. He'd thought he was inscrutable, but Linetti possesses disturbing powers of deduction, especially where human weaknesses are concerned.

 

"Do you intend to tell them?" he asks.

 

Linetti snorts. "Are you kidding? This is _way_ too entertaining."

 

Holt adjusts his chair so he can look out the window. Santiago is flouncing out of the room, and Diaz is punching Peralta. It's not exactly what he'd planned, but then, Santiago feeling offended and Diaz hurting people is a fairly average day at the Nine-Nine.

 

"Do you think it could work?" he asks.

 

Linetti's words come out in a tumble, her eyes alight with indecent glee. "Well, Jake said Amy wanted to make out with Rosa, and Amy got upset, so Rosa called him a pineapple and threatened to flush his head down the toilet two hundred times. So yeah, it could work...or it's going to be the best train wreck in the history of the nine-nine. Either way, I win, which is the most important thing."

 

Ray is about to wave Linetti out of his office -- he has work to do, after all -- but she crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes. "The thing is, I don't think Rosa and Amy are the most interesting part of this situation. The real question is why _you_ care enough to set them up in the first place."

 

Ray sighs. "My personal motivations are none of your business."

 

Linetti looks out the window, and Holt follows her gaze. Santiago has returned, and judging from her computer screen, she's just googled for what to wear to a lesbian club.

 

"Fine, don't tell me anything," Linetti says, reaching for the doorknob. "Of course, if someone were to accidentally-on-purpose tell Peralta that you're using drug busts to arrange lesbian liaisons for your officers..."

 

"Stop." Inwardly, Ray frowns. Outwardly, his face stays the same. "If you must know, I am deeply grateful to have grown up in an open and accepting family that allowed me to resist the pressure the NYPD places on gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and questioning officers. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that privilege." His eyes drift to the window, where Santiago is biting her lip and pretending not to stare at Diaz. "The truth is, Gina, I would like my squad to be happy."

***

As an exceptionally stoic gay man, Ray is uniquely unsuited to undercover work in a lesbian club. Thus, he is forced to wait in the back-up car with Peralta, who is alternately making siren noises and inventing cover stories in which they are a recently reunited couple in the process of adopting twelve orphans. He’s making a mental list of Peralta's shortcomings as a father and life partner when Diaz radios that the suspect has been apprehended.

 

"That was less than thirty minutes," Ray says, disbelief coloring his voice.

 

Peralta snorts. "Yeah, try not to sound so impressed."

 

Diaz and Santiago are waiting at the curb, the drug dealer handcuffed between them.

 

"So, how did it go?" Peralta asks, sidling toward them. "Did you have to make out to convince people that you were lesbians? Is Diaz a good kisser?"

 

Diaz kicks Peralta in the shin, and he stumbles over the curb, emitting a high pitched yelp as he goes. "Excuse me," he says. "What I meant to say was I'm sure your lesbianism was entirely professional. Good job, ladies!"

 

Ray shoots him a withering glare. "Yes, good job," he says, making sure his facial expression conveys anything but happiness. He looks pointedly at Santiago, who's shivering on the curb in her skimpy dress. Then he looks back at Diaz, who colors faintly.

 

"I trust the two of you can wrap up business here," he says. Diaz swallows and nods.

 

From the squad car's rearview mirror, he sees Diaz lean over drape her coat around Santiago's shoulders. Their hands touch, and neither of them move away. Ray permits himself one small smile. His work here is done.


End file.
